Steven Tyler Wants You To Lose Your Lunch By Talking About Sex

Imagine a long, slender sliver of beef jerky. Now, imagine it is covered entirely in human scarring. Imagine it twitching and yelping. Imagine the greasy residue it leaves on the counter as it moves from side-to-side. You're imagining Steven Tyler having sex!

Well done you! And look! There's some erupting acid-reflux!

See, Steven Tyler (the second best Mick Jagger impersonator after Jagger himself) wants to talk about sex. Y'know sex right? That awkward, awful hobby that requires you to take your clothes off and grunt like an asthmatic sow, hunched over like a defecating dog? Well Tyler likes to talk about sex because, in his world of geriatric cosiness, mentioning sex is still pretty shocking. Bless his little rubbery face.

See, Steven Tyler has got engaged to longtime girlfriend Erin Brady recently and, of course, this matters a great deal to him now because he's no longer taking drugs or drinking oceans of booze.

In short, he's become a bit of a wimp.

And stopping by The Ellen DeGeneres Show (there's a woman bored out of her mind with her job) the American Idol judge told the host that Erin is the lady for him. Groupies have stopped knocking on the backstage door, eh Stevie?

Why is she the one? Scarves.

"The first time I saw her…she worked for Clear Channel so she was paying the band. And I didn't notice her and one night she had on this hair band on around her head. She looked really old fashioned… so I took her back in the room and she tied me up with it and I thought I'm marrying this girl."

So scarves turn Steven Tyler on?

"Yes, it's the imagery and how deep one can get into it… [and what the scarf could mean in a fantasy sex situation] I play it out."

Just imagine Steven Tyler, all tied-up with his lad out, waiting for you to ride him. It'd be like mounting a see-saw made from raw sausage meat.

Still, at least he's not drunk and stands a better chance of avoiding brewer's droop. Asked what it takes for him to be sober, he admitted:

"You never know what it takes. I have program. I got all my friends that are sober now. What it is… it's euphoric recall. You hear music and you can get so high and the curtain comes down. It's no different then doing a bump."

"It's the same thing and that's why it is so dangerous for me. I can't get back into that world. I can stay high on stage and stay high.. I mean out here with you right now my hearts pounding. Hearing you guys [the audience] roar. This what I live for today. But you never know if it's going to stick. I just keep with my program, wish and hope."

Regrettably, this means  that he's not going to stop making his awful, awful stadium rock any time soon because frankly, that's all he's got.

Damn.