Elton John v Madonna: Handbags At Dawn

Only the mysterious hecklerspray phantom bothered reporting on the 69th annual Golden Globe ceremony that took place on Sunday evening. Of course, we were ready to take multiple notes on the ceremony and present you with a factual article about the winners, losers and which actress had slopped gravy down their dress.

However, broadcaster E! decided that viewers in the UK weren't allowed to watch the actual ceremony. Instead of seeing Ricky Gervais offend Hollywood's elite, viewers were instead treated to endless repeat of an advert featuring Kim Kardashian getting out a helicopter. If they couldn't be bothered, then neither could we.

So, we still don't know what happened at the Golden Globes. Nobody injured themselves from what we gather (shame), but following the ceremony, it looks like a bitchfest has kicked off between Mrs. Elton John and Mr. Madonna. A case of sour grapes after losing out in an awards category? Or a bout of jealousy because Madonna bagged herself the sparkly orphan that they both wanted?

Both Elton John and Madonna were nominated in the "Best Original Song" category at the Golden Globes. Other people probably were also there, but let's be honest, none of them really had a chance did they?

Elton was hoping that his song Hello Hello would win, though it appeared in the appallingly titled film 'Gnomeo and Juliet' and therefore didn't deserve any shred of credibility. Madonna won the award with her single Masterpiece, a song that appeared in her own film 'W.E.' We only assume this is a big screen Hollywood tale of the Nintendo Wii console.

Did Elton John take defeat graciously? Not particularly, instead of doing the mild mannered clapping thing, he decided to sit motionlessly and look like a man with a face resembling a rejected prune who also happens to be wearing a subbuteo football as an earring.

Look at his miserable face in Madonna's speech around the 1.07 mark:

So how did his man wife David Furnish react? In a calm, controlled and sensible matter? Don't be stupid, Furnish is only human and he did what we'd all do in a time of sadness and anger; took to Facebook. No doubt he'll blame the free bar at one of the Golden Globes after parties, but at the time he posted the following status:

"Madonna. Best song???? Fuck off!!!"

Don't ever go messing with David Furnish, the boy knows how to spout his anger. Check out all of that punctuation. He must mean business. We can only imagine that his fingernails have been sharpened as he prepares to get all up in Madonna's business and trade insults until he's ran out of diva quips. Furnish continued his temper tantrum by commenting:

"Madonna winning Best Original Song truly shows how these awards have nothing to do with merit. Her acceptance speech was embarrassing in its narcissism."

Surely Elton John and David Furnish didn't think they'd walk this category did they? Oh wait, it looks like someone got a little cocky before the event even started with Elton saying:

"Madonna had "no fucking chance" of beating him in the category."

Setting a lovely, lovely example to their new child aren't they?