This week on Dancing on Ice, the producers and judges got sick of pretending to be nice. Week after week, they have to try and find nice things to say about a bunch of useless celebs, and cover their hatred with comments about how they need "more speed over the ice."
Well, this week that all ended, because this week it was the Ultimate Skills Test, where the celebs all had to include a jump, a spins and a step sequence in their routines. Not sound that testing? Well that would be because they weren't done there.
Sure, the skills may have counted for more than half of the celebs' marks, but the real test came in the Ultimate Skills Skate-Off where the celebs had to skate on their own. Which, as anyone who's ever been dragged to a festive ice rink knows, is almost impossible. "Almost impossible" isn't good enough for the dream-crushing producers though; no, they wanted to get the skate-off dwellers to perform a routine with 23 skills in it. And to have three of them doing it. And to boot two of them off.
First to face the word Ultimate and everything it entailed was Chico, who suddenly got a bit good last week. We were fully prepared for him to crash back down to rubbish form, but the grinning idiot lets us down. Apparently he did five revolutions and three waltz jumps. We don't really know what that means, but it sounds impressive and the judges gave him good scores.
Which they also did for Chemmy, even though they're tried to (quite literally) trip her up by giving her a ballad and telling her to stop ploughing through everything at manic speed. Yes, soccer-mum-on-ritalin Chemmy was gone, and replaced with someone not quite graceful but not entirely dreadful.
The week's obligatory "struggle with confidence" meanwhile, came from Jennifer. The same Jennifer who brained herself with own skate last week. The VT tried to make out that this was a reasonable excuse for being scared and nervous, but really, we know it was all part of the producers' masterplan to make people cry. Which Jennifer did. A lot. Still, they put her in a hat for her routine, so that was bound to keep her head safe. No need to worry at all.
At the other end of the confidence scale was the utterly deluded Andy, who had decided to show off some of his skating skills. Yes, that's right, Andy thinks he has skating skills. Everyone sort-of believed him until he messed up the step sequence. Then we all remembered that he's the "funny one" for a reason. And that reason is that he's a bit shit.
Also out to prove himself was Sebastian, who had the hardest routine he'd ever had. Which was truly shocking. It's almost like the producers expect you to get better with practice and the passing of time. Poor Sebastian was struggling though, because it turns out he's a perfectionist. So we got really, really excited when it looked like he fell over, and then very, very disappointed when it turned out to be a backwards roll. Stupid being on the ice on purpose.
Trying very hard to stay away from the ice were the Dangerous Lift Brigade, who ITV had decided they wanted to kill or maim. Skating wunder-kid Jorgie was given the headbanger, which doesn't have anything to do with a headboard (this is a family show, after all) but does put her fast-moving head inches away from the ice.
Sam nearly had his nob amputated thanks to an apparently dangerous move called the frog lift. The FROG LIFT. It sounds about as threatening as a sedated kitten wrapped in cotton wool, but it clearly does have some danger in it because it managed to destroy Sam's knee. He skated anyway, and we were meant to think he was a trouper.
We didn't.
Heidi Sugababe, meanwhile, was skating to her own song which was clearly part of the plan to completely freak her out and cause severe psychological damage when she crashed out of the competiton to the sound of her own voice.
Before she could crash out of the competition though, she had to try and avoid crashing out of the weird spinning-in-the-air lift. Which she didn't do. While skating to her own song. Which is weird. But she was more concerned about having to do a spinning up in the air lift which makes her feel all scared. She has to commit and give it 100% apparently.
And then there was Matthew, who wanted to get back on top of Chico (PHWOAR!). And whose means of doing this was a move called the wrist-ripper (COR!). Clearly that amount of innuendo went down well with the judges, as they gave him the highest score of the series.
And so we came to the fabled Ultimate Skills Skate-off, where Robin Cousins got to decide who got to stay out of Chemmy, Sebastian and Heidi. It looked like it was going to be VERY DRAMATIC, but Robin wasn't going to have any of that and told everyone that he didn't want to see Chemmy in the skate-off. So they didn't really need to bother with it.
Still, good thing that they did bother, because otherwise we would've missed Heidi doing pretty much nothing, and Sebastian doing literally nothing. Sebastian, you see, forgot the routine and just started skating round in circles with his head in his hands. Because obviously being on ice IS more pressure than leaping between buildings.
We shouldn't mock though, because poor Sebastian did do a great big cry. And then when he and Heidi got booted off, she did a big old cry as well. And then Philip Schofield looked awkward, and Christopher Dean tried to distance himself from the whole thing.
Because ITV had broken everyone's hearts. EVERYONE'S HEARTS.
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