Right you horrible lot, shall we get this started? Because by the sounds of the naysayers on TV and radio and in the papers, eventually we'll all be out of a job and by that point, no one will have a TV anymore and we'll all by using someone else's children as currency.
Not in a sexual sense obviously, it's for the hair. Imagine how you could live in luxury knowing that somewhere in your barren estate is a Scrooge McDuck vault full of children's hair. You'd lord it over all those people selling wheelbarrows for a loaf of bread.
Sounds like a terrible state of affairs doesn't it? Unemployable people are milling around not wanting jobs that the government is trying to make them take, while people who do want a job are being made to work unpaid in places like Tesco and Topshop because that's what's good for the nation. Dressing like someone shot you out of a cannon, through a Toto Coelo video and dropped you behind a counter looking sullen is good for the country. So they say. But what would we know? We all voted for Will Young to win Pop Idol when Gareth Gates was clearly the better prospect. He couldn't talk people! That ranks higher than Will Young's giant tongue. That's basic speech impediment hierarchy 101.
But is TV any better for us? Is Carole Malone telling us that it's acceptable for mother's to forgo meals to feed their children really better than an uplifting speech, backed by Eye Of The Tiger maybe, about how if we all stick together we can get through it? Of course not. Which is precisely why, from now on, you should probably only watch what we recommend you watch. We're the ones who have your best interests at heart. That's the tagline of hecklerspray.
hecklerspray: Looking after all a yous and hating Chris Brown since 2009
Saturday
Casualty, BBC One, 9:10pm
It's been quite a while since we've seen Casualty. In fact, the last time was when Nurse Jude was stabbed by a junky with some needles and she bled to death as the credits rolled (we honestly had an appropriate upbringing). Since then, it seems like a lot has happened. It seems that Casualty has skipped over finding untapped acting talent and gone straight to hiring "major" stars who are designed to bring in names. Who can forget the thrill you'd get from seeing Darius Danesh or Sadie Frost as a spritely 18 year old, severely distressed because the van that their dad, who they'd just had an argument with, upturned on a motorway and caused the most destruction since The Blitz. It was fantastic when Anne Robinson pointed this out on whatever awful 'Let's Reminisce About TV' show she is doing now.
This week the major guest stars are Danny Dyer and the equally cuntacular, Abi Titmuss. Apparently Jeff develops a bromance with Danny Dyer and Tom upsets Abi Titmuss who is a relative of a character. Which is all well and good, but is Charlie still in it? And did he finally sort things out with Baz*?
Sunday
Upstairs Downstairs, BBC One, 9:30pm
It sometimes seems that Sunday nights are the worst nights of the week. You have the whole working week ahead of you. That's five whole days of working in a job where no one knows your name or what your likes and dislikes are and only climb onto your back when they want that report for marketing done "toot sweet." No one seems to want to put any effort into appealing to viewers who might not want to see the goings on at Downtown Abbey (Oh, what will that crotchety Dowager say this week?) or count the amount of times that Jeremy Clarkson thinks he's the funniest person in the World, when in fact he's a giant sack of week old semen just looking for a toilet to flush himself down. That's why he drives so fast.
Well this week has the BBC's second salvo of period drama to combat The Abs, first there was Call The Midwife, which thankfully ends this week, and now we have a rehash of Upstairs Downstairs. A period drama looking at the complex relationships between the servants of a large house and the rich owners in 1938. We actually had to stifle a yawn writing that sentence. This week, following the death of Lady Holland, her sister Aunt Blanche rides into town to say nasty things to people probably. And Sir Hallam starts to get obsessed with Nazi Germany, which actually sounds quite entertaining.
Monday
Watson and Oliver, BBC2, 10:00pm
It seems that women can be funny: there's Sarah Millican following the Peter Kay tried and tested 'I'll mock Northerners for rich Southerners for mega bucks', Grace Dent and Caitlin Moran making with the LOLs all over Twitter, and Rizzoli and Isles. Well there's a new duo on the scene, hoping to make us ROFLcopter up into the stars and never be seen again. That duo are Lorna Watson and Ingrid Oliver. You may know of them already because they are quite familiar on the comedy circuit and appeared on TV numerous times. Oliver was in Peep Show and Plus One (No? No one?) and Watson was in We Are Klang on BBC3.
Here are three things that we can tell you about it:
- Eyebrows can be funny. Just don't tell anyone on Desperate Scousewives.
- They do take the piss out of Geordies. Take that as you will.
- John Barrowman appears at the end.
So if that sounds dreadful (we know, John Barrowman, we know) then give it a miss, but at the very least, it'll fill in the time until Katy Wix and Anna Crilly get their act together.
Tuesday
The Brit Awards, ITV1, 8:00pm
It's that time again everyone. Time to think 'What the fudge has happened to our music business? Where did the Reynolds Girls go? They would kill with Mark Ronson writing their songs for them.' The Brit Awards has long been the place to be if you were a star of the music business. Remember Sam Fox and the lanky one from Fleetwood Mac's disastrous attempt at presenting. Or when Brandon Block made an absolute twat of himself in front of Davina McCall. Come on Block, we all know that you don't mess with McCall, her mum was a prostitute. You don't mess with that legacy.
This year we have such luminaries as Ed Sheeran (yawn), Jessie J (*averts gaze from blatant camel hoof*) and Adele hoping to break us all down into tears like she did last year. Apparently each one is up for a stupid amount of awards and looks set to win something to stick on a re-release of their album. It's time like these that we wish Sting would hurry up and release some new songs.
Not really.
Wednesday
One Born Every Minute, Channel 4, 9:00pm
You've suffered three hard days at work and you're sat down with an heavily discounted Meal For One from Sainsburys and a glass of alcoholic ginger beer. You want something interesting to watch, don't you? Something that will take your mind off that daft bint Mindy from Customer Services, right? Well, why not watch a documentary about women pushing out watermelons from their front fannies?
This week's episode focuses on women who have lost children already, not in the Lord Lucan sense, and what they go through to actually persevere with having another child. Riveting, eye-wateringly stuff from the award winning show, but probably not best to watch if you're feeling a bit emotional. We watched it once and the baby came out blue because it couldn't breathe and we were inconsolable. Luckily everything was fine and the Smurfs defeated Gargamel as usual.
Thursday
Pramface, BBC Three, 9:00pm
BBC Three has a hit and miss relationship with comedies sometimes. For every We Are Klang there's a Gavin and Stacey. For every Mongrels there's Russell Howard's Good News. So we were a little skeptical about their new offering, a dramedy looking at how two teenagers deal with the prospect of having a child together. Sounds a bit dullsville doesn't it? Where's the hilarity? Where's the catch?
Well, from what we've seen, the catch is Angus Deayton and Emer Kenny. BBC Three has been a massive friend to Deayton after his exile from BBC One primetime, and Nighty Night brought him a new lease of career whereas Emer Kenny has been slaving away writing and acting (despite playing Zsa Zsa Carter on Eastenders) so it's likely that Pramface is going to be shit, but we can all bask in the hot Kenny-Deayton action.
Friday
Modern Family, Sky One, 8:00pm/Benidorm, ITV1, 9:00pm
For the first time in WATCH THIS! history, we've been stumped over what we shall include on a Friday night. Usually it's dire films that we've all seen bazillions of times, like Con Air or Face Off, or re-re-re-re-runs of New Tricks, but tonight is different. Get ready to see a star in the sky leading to the birth of the new King of Kings because this a monumental event. There's a comedy that is so tragic, so poorly written and ball clenchingly testing that it's going to ruin the taste that Modern Family will leave in your mouth.
Benidorm is back for it's fifth series, somehow. Apparently people aren't sick of laughing at how one woman can be almost completely covered in wrinkles and still act like she's Sinitta or something. Or how an overweight middle aged couple can be sexually active. Without sounding like we've got a silver spoon up our collective arse, Benidorm is comedy made for the lowest common denominator. People who drop their children off at the old women's house down the street so they can watch Jeremy Kyle in peace. And find Carol McGiffin the very voice of sanity. Which makes sense as another member of the Loose Women panel is making her debut as the manager of whatever the hotel is called. Sherrie Hewson, one of the most arrogant women to feature on Loose Women is going to put the cat among the feathered rats this series. Although we won't hold our breath in it lasting long. Are the makers of Benidorm really going to show an uptight, educated woman get the better of the cast of jobless layabouts? Of course not. Ridiculous.
Just so you know, there's a new series of Modern Family starting on Sky One at 8, so if you want to see how a comedy should be done, give that a try. If you don't have Sky or Virgin, THIS is the reason to get it.
*We've been legally obliged to notify you all that Baz died in a car crash and Charlie's decision to assist with his best friend's suicide made him a more detailed and believable character. Happy now Tina Hobley?
No hay comentarios:
Publicar un comentario