God's nicely pressed trousers! It's that time again. When we drag you away from furiously masturbating over letsknit.co.uk to guide you through the World Wide Weird.
So put down the Kleenex for just a moment, let us hold your crusty mitts and shush your deranged mumblings about 'beatutiful angora sets' and gawp in awe at the world outside…online.
Shut up and read on.
10. Meet Jemima Packington, the maddest old witch on YouTube. She could start a new trend of cyber-soothsaying. She's apparently rather accurate, predicting the world financial nonsense in advance. She probably stormed into the UN and warned the world's leaders of impending doom. Only to be carried out and locked in a padded room that vaguely smelled of stale urine. And all because she's as asparamancer. No, she doesn't get sexually aroused by inhaler-toting wheezy breathers. She predicts the future with asparagus. Go on, read that again. Yep, asparagus. Watch the video and you'll not be at all surprised, she looks like the crazy lady on the bus who talks to whatever poor creature stays trapped in her handbag.
9. You're weird. We covered that earlier with your strange perversions. That rash is a bit unnerving too, get it seen to. But you are a veritable feast for the eyes compare to this bunch. This poor little, giant, hairy, bearded, feral, limbless and crustacean-like gang were the superstars of the their day. The site documents the glorious oddness of these unfortunate souls and proudly touts the "hilarious tragedies that befall them." Hilarious, unnerving and sometimes just plain tragic. Well worth a gawp.
8. It's always going to be a fun read which includes the line "the author of this page does NOT eat poop". The Scoop on Poop is a forgotten page from the 90?s with all the nostalgia inducing web design that can momentarily distract from a page all about poo. Yep, it's exactly that, poop facts, poop pictures, poop poetry, multiple references to Guam. It's what you'd expect really.
7. If hearing ICEMAN asking about the arse wiping habits of the natives of Guam hasn't freaked you out, try The Composites, a tumblr page devoted to merging Crimewatch and classic literature. Which probably makes at least one of them more interesting. The page boasts creepily realistic faces mocked up on police identi-fit software using only the descriptions given in books. Consequently Tess of the d'Urbervilles is now a rather pretty face on a severed, stumpy neck and the coldest eyes-of-a-killer we've seen since the last time Kris Silver tried to lock us in a cupboard full of scorpions.
6. It's scored 22 million hits so far and has only been up for a week. It's got the winning combination of guns, cowboy hats and goatee beards. It's a fantastically redneck approach to fatherhood, in which every parenting problem can be solved with firepower. We'd love to see this guy's home movies, hopefully he included the line "this is my .45? in every significant moment of his daughter's life. This video is one guy's take on "you kids have got it so easy" after his daughter get a bit whiny on Facebook. Love it or loathe it, it's worth a look and a whoop of "yeehaw! ya'll show that there dual core processor who's boss!"
5. OH YES! Yet another reason to torment the tight trousered, ridiculously bespectacled twats we know as 'hipsters'. We are so glad we found this, we can disarm them of that irritating superior smugness. No longer can they tell themselves they are 'the first' to rock the bandana-fixie combination augmented with sweatpants and Magnum PI 'tache. Not anymore! We have photographic proof that they weren't doing it 'before it was cool'. They're just following the lead of another, who defined what was cool, before it was cool, and then scrapped it as not worthy and let some lesser mortal scavenge the cast offs. Who was this pioneer of awesome? Who are they hipsters' guiding guru? Dad.
4. And now for something refreshingly Victorian. Victorian, squid infested and very, very odd. We're not sure how to describe this collection of amusing doodles but the author describes them as "depictions drawn from regrettable accounts of the less fortunate for purposes of instruction." Which tells us nothing, but we enjoy doffing an imaginary top hat in salute to the whimsical weirdness of Things Could Be Worse.
3. "Don't say it with flowers, say it with bile." A fantastic statement to aim at the bitter, twisted and thoroughly unlovable hecklerspray staff. Seriously, Valentine's day was once again a heart breaking day of loneliness and sexually servicing Editor Mof as he cried into his Coco-pops. We can thoroughly share the sentiments expressed on Be My Anti-Valentine, they may technichally be a little late for the big day but lines like "destined to die alone in a room heavy with the tang of cat wee" are timeless classics. Stop feeling sorry for us, just go…go to your new website…we'll be fine.
2. You're looking at this, so we'll assume you'll be interested in looking at somebody else looking at things. No? What if that somebody was recently dead Chief Lunatic of North Korea Kim Jonf-Il? That's more like it! Kim Jong-Il looking at things is the premier site for pictures of Dear Leader having a butcher's a random shit. It's old news, but still just weird enough to be worth 5 minutes.
1. Not the best site on the web, but Fuck Yeah, Peter Capaldi's Hair does have the coolest name in the entire universe. It's quite simply the best shrine in the world to a Glaswegian's hair. There aren't many, but this is the fullest, shiniest, because I'm worth it record of Capaldi's hair since time began. He's had some impressive do's, but we still like silver fox look from The Thick of It. He's like an angry wolf, ripping apart our enemies in sweary, bloodsoaked blitzkreig attacks. *sigh*
Didn't like that? Did we miss your favourite site? Think you can do better? Go on then, message us on Facebook or on Twitter with a message that starts "Oi knobheads, this is for Webthump".
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