The Apprentice Returns With A Cast Of Socially Retarded Business Enthusiasts

Think of big businesses and most people will be drawn to images of fat cat bankers rubbing their genitals with £50 notes and generally having a better time than anyone. Hated by society, there is at least one teddy bear like businessmen we all wish was giving us financial advice.

That's right; it's none other than lovable tyke Lord Sir Mister Alan of Sugar.

As a child wheeler dealer, his greatest achievement to date has been the contraption we all know and love, the combined e-mail phone device called the e-m@iler. That product has of course been a success story to all our lives.

But grandpa Sugar can't knock off products like he used to. With his brain getting on, he needs to invest in the younger generation of business types who he can invest in. Unlike Dragon's Den where someone is interrogated for ten minutes, Sugar eliminates potential employees over a series lasting months, all to find his Apprentice and the adult series is soon to return.

In the past, we've had minimal fuss about the series starting, just a flutter of tweets from Alan Sugar telling us to watch so he can taunt his overseas media pal and flaccid bellend, Piers Morgan.

This year it seems, the producers of the show have seemingly let us into the lives of the contestants by telling us all about their personality. We assume this has been done to make them appear more human as contestants usually come out with quotes such as:

"If I was a monster, I'd be called businesszilla as I'd eat up all other companies due to my mass market globalisation scheme and branding."

This year sees a similar goal to what potential winners will earn. Sugar is once again stumping up a £250,000 investment and business partnership if they can convince him that they aren't talking a load of donkey dung and can actually listen to basic instructions without killing or burning anything down. Speaking about The Apprentice at a launch which hecklerspray wasn't invited to, Sugar said the following:

"This is not about a job anymore and I'm not looking for a friend. If I wanted a friend I'd get a dog," said Sugar. I'm looking for a partner, the Marks to my Spencer, the Lennon to my McCartney."

Or if he was feeling kinkier, the S to his &M.

We'd sift through each candidate individually, but by the time we got to the sixth entrant, it wouldn't end well for us or for any object that wasn't securely tied down. But in true fasion, there was one bloke who caught our eye and if we had been in charge of selecting potential co-partners for Alan Sugar, we'd have put him through. How could you not love 29-year-old Duane Bryan who:

"Who claims that he is inspired by the drinks brand Jaegermeister."

He's the sort of businessmen and boss we like; the sort who'll get blotted in ropey pubs until the crack of dawn, but still make it back to the office and painfully pretend that nothing is wrong with his insides.

Whatever.