Musicians think about sex a lot. They must do, it's almost the only thing they write about. Popstars live to defile their young screaming fans. Rockers know they've made it when there are aspiring muses knocking on the dressing room door.
Hip-hop has a frankly terrifying capacity for the horn.
Frankly it's a miracle they get any work done at all with heads overflowing with images of baps, flaps and todgers. In fact such is the unstoppable high-pressure filth fawcet in their addled brains that doing it with others doesn't fill their schedules and sometimes they combine their libidinous obsessions with their other favourite pastime- loving themselves.
As anyone can tell from the way guitarists carress their 'axes', musicians like to have some 'me' time and then inevitably tell us about it
So we thought we'd run through some of our favourite songs about going solo.
If you catch our drift.
Pixies- Holiday Song
Frank Black can make any subject sound like an epic tale this sounds like the soundtrack to an unmade Almodovar film. Scattering phrases like
He took his sister from his head and then painted her on the sheets
he manages to sound simultaneously poetic and icky.
High & Mighty featuring Bobbito Garcia, Kool Keith, What What- Hands On Experience Part 2
Given how much importance rappers place on the sheer number of people involved in sex acts you'd be forgiven for thinking that such a numerically unimpressive pastime would figure somewhere between impotence and ironing in the list of hip-hop's lyrical themes. Not so. You have to admire the sheer levels of sleaze from both the sexes on display here. What What wins the day though, with an attitude towards self-love that borders on the heroic-
Holdin myself down when I'm on the clit /I've got gadgets like I'm fuckin' James Bond and shit.
Prince – Darling Nikki
Okay, so maybe it's just an opening line rather than a whole song but it is undoubtedly the most influential song on the list but for the wrong reasons. When Tipper Gore overheard her daughter listening to this track on the Purple Rain album she was so shocked she got together with some of her unelected privileged friends to form the Parents Music Resource Center with the aim of censoring musicians. Fortunately they failed in most of their aims and their only legacy were the 'Warning: Parental Advisory' which were immediately co-opted as a badge of pride by the artists themselves. Unfortunately we could only find Foo Fighters and Rihanna versions. Foo Fighters didn't seem quite as embarrassingly desperate for attention so we chose them.
Green Day – Longview
Most songs that might be about it, also might not be. Metaphor abounds and frankly that's probably for the best. Not for Green Day who seem to have a lot of their time on their er… hands.
The Pharcyde – On the DL
There's only one verse about it, but we wanted an excuse to listen to some Pharcyde.
Chuck Berry – My Ding-a-Ling
We love the fact that this is Chuck Berry's biggest hit in the UK. Chuck Berry, arguably the most influential person in the history of pop music. This song, a desperately immature piece of double-entendre. Here he is getting the audience to sing along. To this day, it's still one of Chuck's favourites, which winds up the purists no end.
The Caesars- Jerk it Out
Is it really about knocking one out? I mean isn't that a bit too literal? Well, you can debate it, it's here.
Peaches – Diddle my Skittle
All this messy business isn't just a solo activity and no list of musical filth would be complete without professional sex maniac Peaches. The wonderful Peaches has covered sex with a myriad of positions, locations and props. Here she encourages someone to engage in some mutual fumbling because lest we forget
there's only one peach with a hole in the middle
Tori Amos – Icicle
Not for Tori a simple song about how polishing the peanut may simply be fun. Oh no, she's got to start talking about bibles and dads. For goodness sake Amos.
The Who – Pictures of Lily
Most parents, when confronted with a child that can't sleep maybe offer calpol or a bedtime story. Not Pete Townsend's dad. Nope. He just leans up from his bed bleary-eyed, flings some porn at his son and tells him to go back to his room. The lost last verse of song tells how Townsend's mum catches him in the act the next night but is swiftly re-assured that young Pete was simply using the porn as 'research' for this song.
So then you disgusting perverts, what songs have we missed?
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