Skins: Beds That Smell Of Vagina

Here's us getting all ready to talk to you about the Skins season finale and how that ending was a bit monumentally rubbish hanging off all the cliffs in the Lake District and it's only going to be bloody well on again next week isn't it?

We found that out through the cleverly titled, "Next Week," section at the end in case you were wondering what sort of powers we had.

On the whole we've noticed that Skins is peaking as the unusually fast pregnancy plot moves along.

Who carries a baby to full term while their mother is baking in the sunny climes of Spain? Minnie apparently does, but then her bed also smells like vagina apparently which we suppose could happen when pregnant people sleep unusually close to a blossoming/mentally unstable Dakota Blue Richards.

The crack team of infants who wrote this are breaking all the rules of what not to do when you're preggers, you know, you've got a brood you hate just waiting to crayon all over your nice beige walls. They made Minnie walk really fast, get chucked out of a women's shelter, which makes no sense, and most lethally of all they made her traipse through bloody fields to talk to her loving boyfriend who wants her to live in a big shed—she seems preternaturally calm, we'd have got the coat hanger out a long time ago.

There is also a lot of dancing, like more dancing than you ever want to watch on a Monday night, unless you're really into the whole girls dancing in their underwear thing which frankly we find vile, especially when then underwear says, "Blow Me," on the arse. WHERE DO THESE KIDS SHOP? It's as if they buy their unmentionables from the spam bots that add you on twitter and tell you how good they are oral sex—more like mouth cancer, are we right? Guys?

Not much else happened in Bristol this week we must say, damn pregnant women stealing the limelight.  We've all got issues here bitch move aside and let's see how Liv's doing with the whole mental illness thing she definitely has going on while feeding her sister cold alphabet spaghetti. Nope, okay then we don't really care anyway. What we do care a lot about though is that Dawn 'I'll do anything' Porter makes a madcap turn as a receptionist in A&E, she puts on a funny voice and everything.

She wears a nice black blazer for the occasion—it matches her sharp hair and personality—she doesn't do balls all else, but it's always nice to see people throwing her a bone. She might even say something witty and relevant about youths in society, but to be honest we were more caught up watching those unruly brothers fight over Frankie, who looks great.

Did we mention she looks great in that jacket? Yep everybody's still in love with her and nobody even said 'headfuck' so we don't know what's going on, but we expect it to be bandied about like we're talking about bankers in a recession next week. And on a side note to the kid who plays Matty, please son take a shower, we like racial stereotypes as much as the next upstanding citizen, but Morocco really isn't that dirty, it's just a bit insulting now.

It's a real shame this wasn't the last episode, if Minnie could have just knocked that kid out instead of farting about with bloody anaemia and high blood pressure we all could have been on our way to forgetting this ever happened. Instead we're all cracking out the codeine and removing the image of a bloody vagina from our heads—top tip, crack out those leaked naked photos of a celebrity of your choosing or look at animals with food balanced precariously on some part of their anatomy, both cause despair and jealousy enough to never think about bloody vaginas again.

We've ruined your week haven't we? Well we're not even sorry, so suck on that.