People ruin everything. Not you per se, but probably at some point you've ruined something for someone else. Perhaps unintentionally, or perhaps with a glint in your eye that would make Janine Butcher move house, change her name and start working in a technical pattiserie store.
Just to get away from you. Possibly.
Obviously some things that get ruined for other people are good. Like the NHS reforms that are making Twitter a mega bore lately. The glans with a wig on, David Cameron seems happy to ruin the NHS for everyone, so what do the angered masses of Twitter do? Get sand right up their vaginas and get the reforms stopped once and for all. Effectively ruining things for Cameron, and he was looking forward to making everyone hate him more than Margaret Thatcher could.
We're not saying that people power is a terrible idea. Look at all those riots last year (the foreign ones, not the childish ones over the Summer). They served a purpose of sorts. Either it's getting corrupt leaders to relinquish their grubby power over, or just letting your hair down with some smashings. It can lead to some good work being achieved. What isn't good, and will lead to a collapse of actual family values (unlike gay marriage) is when people stop caring about the quality of TV they show during the week.
Any previous reader of WATCH THIS! will know that over the past few weeks, TV has trailed off to such a dramatically poor state that even Melanie Sykes would probably be able to resurrect a career. Somethings happened to people, they don't care about the poor excuses of TV that are being masqueraded as "entertainment." More quiz shows than needed and none of which feature Henry Kelly for some reason; ITV seemingly trying to recreate the 80s appeal of Saturday primetime with Take Me Out and with the recently announced Surprise Surprise! hosted by Holly Willoughby set to take our screens by storm later this year (we were obliged to say that by ITV head honchos) their homage shows no sign of faltering. Let's just hope that she sings the song like Cilla did, because our venom pointed at Tim Lovejoy will be nothing unless we hear "the unexpected hits you between the eyes."
Saturday
Let's Dance For Sports Relief – BBC One, 7:10pm
So starting off this awful week of TV, we have one of the poorest examples of charidee awareness. Over the past few weeks we have seen Laurie Brett and the brilliant Tameka Epsom, Eddie 'The Eagle' Edwards, Miles Jupp, Tyger Drew Honey and Tracy Beaker and Omid Djalili making tits of themselves in the hope that someone will take pity on them and pledge some money to Sport Relief and make them get off the TV. Let's Dance… is a thankless programme that, if nothing else, shows us why Steve Jones was rightly sacked from X Factor USA and Alex Jones is a vacuous hoover, just sucking up happiness wherever she trundles.
Sunday
The Falklands' Most Daring Raids – Channel 4, 8:00pm
Sunday is well known for being the black hole where TV goes to die, as period dramas twinkle with arrogance that we expect Kate Nash has. They just seem impervious to any damaging press. Hugh Bonneville slept with prostitutes behind his wife's back and yet, somehow Downton Abbey is like Christmas made out with your birthday, and let you watch that one time. It's astonishing that another channel wouldn't try and do something completely revolutionary and usurp the "awesomez" that BBC and ITV think they have by pumping out dramas that only appeal to menopausals. Instead, everyone just falls to bits and gives it up as a lost cause.
If you were desperate to watch something on Sunday, why not watch The Falklands' Most Daring Raid"? A show that wants to be the Dambusters so hard that it even went out and bought the Dambusters favourite coat. And rumour has it, they're even going to get their hair cut the same. When it's finished, resume the slamming of your genitals into your front door.
Monday
Coronation Street – ITV 1, 7:30 & 8:30pm
It isn't very often that we include soaps in this list (last week was the first inclusion) but tonight's episode is going to be hilarious. Tonight Sally Webster uncovers more information on Frank Foster's murderer and promptly gets a thwack over the bounce for her trouble. On the face of it, not that funny. GBH isn't that much with the lols. But seeing Sally Webster, a character so despicably annoying and twee finally getting beaten within an inch of her life is definitely going to be one of the highlights of our week. Let's just hope that we don't have to hear her drawl "Sarphay" EVER AGAIN. Maybe if we're very lucky, she'll get retrograde amnesia and leave Weatherfield forever, only to turn up in Holby City. Which is all she deserves.
Tuesday
Hit The Road Jack – Channel 4, 10:00pm
Prep your funny because the funniest ever comedian to grace your tellybox has been given his own TV show.
Now THAT is good comedy.
Good comedy withstanding, it is true that Jack Whitehall, the richer Russell Brand, has been granted another chance to make his remember why we truly hate him. In his new show we'll have access to brand new characters (read: they're not brand new), see him do some stand up (read: go and get a cup of coffee. Actually, it's 10 o'clock. A horlicks) and see his drink alcohol (read: switch off the TV and go to bed grumbling about entitled cocaine addicts). Until we see Jack Whitehall fired out of a cannon straight into the Sun, then there won't be something truly funny on TV.
Wednesday
The Apprentice – BBC One, 9:00pm
If this article was missing the inclusion of The Apprentice then we would have to hand ourselves into the police for 'deliberately perverting the course of hilarity.' The entire series of The Apprentice is quality TV from beginning to end. Although it started out as a, hopefully, genuine search for Lord Sugar (does anyone else miss Sirallan?) an apprentice to work in his business, it has become blighted by narcissistic hawks that wait for the weak link to show themselves and then they descend to pick out their eyes and kidneys while cawing about "giving 110%" flirting with Nick. Which then spirals into crushing despair as everything that they've worked for come falling down around them.
Seeing the very gamut of human emotion pleases us. We wouldn't say that we like seeing people being brought down a peg of two, but we do.
Thursday
Death Row – Channel 4, 10:00pm
Death Row must be the worst place to live; except for in Kerry Katona's head, so it was only a matter of time until something delved deep into the World of State sanctioned murder and made it entertaining. Who's that person? Well Werner Herzog, one of the greatest German film directors of all time (Yeah, we had to Wiki him too) is that very person. He talks to the prisoners who are on Death Row about what it's like. What they get for dinner. Whether they have decent telephone signal. Does the Last Meal come from a set menu? Expect some pretty grim emotions because although these men feel sorry for themselves and you might feel a bit of empathy, they've still committed terrible crimes to put themselves in there. So, swings and roundabouts.
Friday
Sport Relief – BBC One, 7:00pm until the end of time it seems
This year's Sport Relief has trudged it's way round again, bringing out the most annoying of BBC presenters and singers to make us plead to donate money to save lives in other countries. Or something. Eventually these things bleed into one another and soon you'll not know whether you're donating for Africans caught in the midst of civil war between Natasha Giggs and Ann Widdicombe (the guy who does Hecklerscopes told us this would happen) or voting to save your favourite act in the competition. They really need your vote, no ones save from Widdicombe's bigoted views and pleated skirts.
HINT: Keep the controller next to you so you can mute the numerous times JLS will show up or Fearne Cotton breezes on looking like something Zelda from Terrahawks bled out one menstrual period.
We were almost going to pick Reverse Missionaries on BBC2 because we were sure it couldn't be about anything other than the sexual position. We were wrong. Watch yourself Pastor John Chilimtsidya.
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