Hecklerscopes: Watch The Stars & You Will See Your Own Genitals

Now it's time for our weekly stroll through the astrological plane in our frighteningly accurate section called Hecklerscopes.

Aries (Mar 21-Apr 20)

Your mum introduces you to your long lost identical twin. The resemblance is uncanny and all you can think is 'Christ he's ugly.'

Taurus (Apr 21-May 21)

You'll be pleased to know that your girlfriend is NOT sleeping with her workmate. No, she's sleeping with your workmate.  Sorry.

Gemini (May 22-Jun 22)

You meet someone at the train station today. He's playing a song for you on a ukulele. He finally stops when you beat him to death with it.

Cancer (Jun 23-Jul 23)

With Valentine's Day approaching, now may be a good time to have that facial boil lanced. Even the universe can't look at you.

Leo (Jul 24-Aug 23)

Your girlfriend looks like an angel when she sleeps. Your wife however, looks like a potato. On Friday you start divorce proceedings.

Virgo (Aug 24-Sep 23)

Every week the planets surprise us and maps out a week of happiness and wealth for one lucky star-sign. It's Libra. You get eaten by wolves.

Libra (Sep 24-Oct 23)

On Thursday you win a staggering amount of money and can finally afford to pay someone to sleep with you! They won't but it's still progress.

Scorpio (Oct 24-Nov 22)

It's a little known fact that Scorpios are four times more likely to need anal surgery than any other star-sign.

Sagittarius (Nov 23-Dec 21)

Tell that woman you love her. Go on! She'll totally reject you in public but at least you'll have one interesting story to tell your psychiatrist this week.

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 20)

Don't feel too upset, no one could have predicted that man was only after you for your money. Well except us, but where's the fun in that?

Aquarius (Jan 21-Feb 19)

The stars care even less about you than we do.  We have no idea what's going to happen but we can still guarantee it'll be awful.

Pisces (Feb 20-Mar 20)

You finally stop smoking this week! You needn't have bothered, the fags were never going to kill you, it was always going to be that falling piano.