Oh god, all of our worst fears have come true. Worse than being trapped in a lift with Kris Akabusi and Ainsley Harriot… worse than watching a sex tape with James Blunt… N Dubz have split up.
We're uncontrollably upset. This is grade-A grieving. Snot bubbles, sticking heads in the oven, scratching the eyes out of photographs uproarious sorrow.
And how did we find it out? Why, through the portal of sin, Twitter. And once again, Tulisa was the one doing all the talking.
Tulisa Contostavlos has indulged in a series of angry tweets, all in txtspk with Dappy. Their both related as well as being bandmates! Oh woe, this is furiously awful.
It all started when Dappy re-tweeted a fan who said:
"Not hating on tulisa but she should really step up and at least ask @TheDappy if he's okay..I think he's having a hard time.x love you bothx."
We can't be bothered to find out why Dappy is having a bad time. We presume it might be something to do with him splitting up with a girl. We wonder if it was the same girl he got a bit 'handsy' with, thereby making him something of a Tesco Value Chris Brown?
Anyway, Tulisa wasn't having any of it.
"@TheDappy serious man I hold it down, dont make me start talkin real cus u won't like it nor will the fans, allow twitter,man up n call me"
"4 the ndubletts triena take sides…pls remember..dappy left ndubz,that's y we split,n wen he wanted 2 get away I tried 2 move him In2 my yard,but he left n got a new num n I aint heard from him since, he aint called or made contact, just talks 2 the press about me"
"Sayin he misses me but where the hells my call,I don't even have his num!had 2 txt me dad 2 pass a message 2 him n got no reply"
"So pls don't let @TheDappy gass u up cus he knows what it is…I will kill 4 him n he knows it..but ask him the last time he tried 2 call me"
She continued, talking about Dappy's testicles.
@TheDappy dont reply 2 me by tweet,pick ya balls up n call me,I got a new place,cum stay,but dont b an ass on twitter..wen u know the deal
F this,cant believe I stooped so low as 2 have a private debate on twitter,but I aint havin no1 turn ndubletts against me over bollocks
Said my piece on dis shit n not doin it again…believe what u want after that but don't judge me on lies…sum1s gone below the belt 2nit
So there you go. Tulisa effectively wrote our article for us. Lovely. If celebrities could tweet more words through newsworthy stories, that'd be great.
Now, we're off to set up a helpline for all the crying N Dubz lunatics. It's just like the time Take That split isn't it?
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