Do you know who Jessica Simpson is? Well, she's having a baby. That's right! She had unprotected sex and her assorted ovaries and whatnot worked sufficiently well enough to harvest a tiny, shitting human! And yes, we're supposed to care because it is still regarded as 'a little miracle'.
Now then, how do people usually first find out they're preggo?
Some just know after throwing up in a morning. However, morning sickness means nothing if you're so riddled with anxiety that you are constantly puking and dry-heaving. Some do a widdle on a pregnancy test stick and read the results. Not Jessica Simpson though. She suddenly found herself having something called "a conscience" and it was the baby transmitting messages to her brain, like some evil genius.
Jessica Simpson says, without the vaguest trace of irony:
"We were going to go all-day drinking… ride our bikes, hang out. But I started feeling this overwhelming guilt. Why would I feel guilt at the idea of going out and having cocktails with my friends?"
Because you hang around with absolute ghouls? Because you have an ostentatious, lavish life that does not befit the achievements you've made in comparison to someone who does good, proper, life-changing work?
No. It was a magic baby.
With an inkling that something was off, Simpson wazzed on an electronic stick and lo! SHE WAS EXPECTING!
"I'm a free-spirited girl, but giving up my scotch? My Macallan 18? That was hard for me!"
"Though now that doesn't even sound good, being pregnant. You crave other things. A big thing of water sounds great!"
There isn't a soul alive not craving a 'big thing of water' right now. God bless big things of water.
Anyway, we sincerely look forward to Jessica's baby deciding that it doesn't want to leave her body and, instead, create a little hatch in her stomach so it can boss her around and make her do evil things.
WAIT! This is no baby! It's Krang from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles!
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