Come on now, don't be like that. We can already see you spitting blood at the mere sight of the headline. Someone's insulting the memory of your beloved chiselled men and it isn't us?! To be honest, we're furious too.
Kristin Scott Thomas, star of such films as The English Patient and Confessions of a Shopaholic has publicly stated that she doesn't understand why people love celebrity culture. We have- of course- decided to take this as a personal affront and will here-on be referring to her as "That Bloody Actor".
She has also told Psychologies Magazine that she doesn't see the appeal of Ryan Gosling or Robert Pattinson who are, without doubt and in the context of this article and this article only, clearly the greatest actors ever to have walked the earth.
How dare That Bloody Actor chide celebrity culture when she keeps out of it. We're itching to know every sordid aspect of her private life and what does she do? She lives in Paris keeping herself to herself and only appearing in films when the scripts suit her. Who does she think she is? Does she think she's better than celebrity life? Doesn't she want details about her private life being daubed on proverbial toilet walls by ego-inflated writers with nothing better to do than blow a story out of all proportion?
She claims she's constantly being typecast in films too! The cheek! What's she being typecast as anyway? The love interest of Jeremy Clarkson? Well, apparently not. Why don't we take it straight from the nasty woman's mouth?
"If the character is cold, witty and a snob, they're going to call me."
Cold? Witty? A snob? All this from a woman who decries celebrity culture while refusing to submit to the vice-grip of its charred, poisonous tentacles. She must be cold in the heart as well as the mind if she's failed to be wooed by the greatest actors of their generation. Surely she can't think badly of our friends Mr Gosling & Mr Pattinson!
"It is rather extraordinary that I have ended up acting with these incredible heart throbs. I have to say, I don't get it really."
THEY'RE THE GREATEST ACTORS THAT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN! Robert Pattinson in Twilight is a tour de force matched only by Gosling's performance in one of those films where he takes his top off and is slick, tough but has a soft centre. Forget your O'Tooles, your Oliviers, your Bogarts- they pale in comparison to these fine figures of men. These titans of the acting world. Perhaps That Bloody Actor has never seen these incredible films, so beloved by millions of worthwhile human beings for her to be so flippant towards their stars.
What of us? The people who want to embrace every minute detail of her life. We, the gossip hounds and the celeb fiends. We want information and we will not be denied. There's a voracious celebrity culture out there with a big hole shaped exactly like That Bloody Actor. She must join us, we must know what she thinks of us.
"It has caused an absolutely extraordinary idea here of what makes a woman attractive to men. Hair extensions, breast jobs, masses of make-up. God, it's all so alien to me."
Oh… right.
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