Meat Loaf Foresees His Own Death (By Chocolate)

For a fella who is so famously porky that he names himself after an unhealthy brick of assorted meat he's managed to beat death a surprising number of times. Now, Meat Loaf has announced that he knows exactly when he's going to kark it.

Mr Loaf's premonition occurred pulled out of Loose Women.  Which if you think about, may explain why they are now loose. Fat-bloke-shagging-old-women jokes aside, Meat did fully intend on making an appearance on ITV's menopause support group.  He was shown mucking about in the Green Room as the show opened.

He looked pale, sweaty and dancing badly with a banana on his head.  Which, banana aside is how he's always looked.  Apart from when he's has Edward Norton stuck in his cleavage.  Minutes later Pork Chop announced he was feeling unwell and would not be appearing on the show.  It has not been announced what was wrong, but we suspect being in close proximity to fruit caused a shock reaction of some kind.

This is not the first time Bacon Sandwich has been too poorly/unconscious to perform.  He collapsed twice during concerts in July last year.  He blamed both incidents on asthma and a lack of oxygen.  Which is probably the same thing really.

But this latest incident has brought forth a curious announcement from Gammon Joint.  He's apparently convinced that he cann't be killed unless he is on stage.  Which makes some kind of sense, he does seem to collapse or go banana-wearing mental whenever he goes near one.

So when Sainsbury's Basic 20 Thick Cut Pork Sausages says; "if I'm going out, I'm going out on stage."  It's a bit like Hecklerspray's lawyer saying "if you send any more of those letters to Emma Watson, you'll be going to prison."

So it's not as though he's saying he's bulletproof as long as he's offstage.  It's more like "please don't make me go out there, this shit's killing me."