Paul Weller Says He’s An Alcoholic, Which Is Payback For All That Awful Music Really

Paul Weller, king of the plastic mods, has confessed that he's an alcoholic. This is only fair really because, frankly, he's responsible for some of the worst music ever cut to wax. And that haircut? Jesus H. Christ.

Of course, Weller isn't being sensitive about it all. In fact, he's showing off about it. Basically, he's crowing about how much he could drink and, furthermore, he's acting all hard and saying that he doesn't need professional help with it all.

He's probably going to wank it out whilst looking at pictures of himself, or something.

The man who cruelly gave us The Jam (shut your face, they were largely awful. They were the Maroon 5 of their day) gave up drinking in 2010 following his marriage to girlfriend Hannah Andrews and is now teetotal.

Of course, to someone so achingly steeped in the past as Weller, he needs to prove that he's not a wimp for stopping drinking and in fact, he's still a big, tough, alpha male.

Talking to The Times, who we won't link to because of their stupid paywall, he said:

"I feel fitter now. I go to the gym. Stopped drinking about 16 months ago… Time for a lifestyle change. I couldn't keep doing it. It was killing me… I miss the silliness (of being drunk)… I'm not one of those people who can just have a couple of drinks. If it's two, it might as well be 20. If it's 20, it might as well be 40…"

Woo woo! 40 drinks! Whaddaguy! His urine must've come out looking like stewed tea and stinking of special brew! OUR HERO!

"I think I'm an alcoholic, definitely. Yeah. I would have thought so. It's hard to know where a pisshead becomes an alkie. Fine line. But yeah, I think so."

Was it a struggle for big, tough Paul Weller to stop drinking?

"Not really. I didn't want to go to AA or any of that bollocks."

OUR HERO OUR HERO OUR HERO! He's like a British Charlie Sheen or something!

Now then, how's about keeping your mouth shut for the rest of your life now? That would be a truly heroic thing to do, right?

Wait? What's that? It's the thunderous footsteps of Weller's sub-Oasis fans with their balding faux-mod haircuts (stuck up at the back, short fringe, long at the sides) chasing after us shouting "real talent!" and "you probably like Britney Spears!" at us!

HIDE!