Sexism And Wolf-Whistling To Become A Crime – Women Assume It’s All About Them

Sexy women, breathe a sigh of relief! You will no longer get men trying to get off with you in a vulgar manner. Men, prepare yourself to start being hypersensitive about everything and noticing the sexist things said to you.

That's right bozos! Salacious whistles and sexist words are going to become a criminal act under new laws against sexual harassment to which Britain is signing up.

There's a pledge to criminalise "verbal, non-verbal or physical" sexual harassment, which is one of the things the Council of Europe's convention on violence against women is signing up for. This is to mark International Women's Day because, as we know, only women are victims of sexual harassment and verbose innuendo. In fairness, they are asking for it.

18 countries have already signed up to pass legislation which will criminalise "unwanted verbal, non-verbal or physical conduct of a sexual nature with the purpose or effect of violating the dignity of a person, in particular when creating an intimidating, hostile, degrading, humiliating or offensive environment".

Loose Women are fucked then, eh?

There's more too. There's legislation against psychological violence, as well as measures against people who carry out genital mutilation, forced abortions or forced sterilisation. Congrats to anyone who is thinking about getting their baby's foreskin lopped off – YOU MONSTER.

This is good news for women on International Women's Day, mainly because we like to see them smiling with those pretty little faces they have. And those bums they have. And the boobs. God, the boobs are wonderful. And the way that their clothes sometimes fall off a little and reveal a little shoulder. Sweet muscular Moses, the shoulders and the boobs and the bums and the lips. And the smell of them. The smell of their hair when they sleep. Watching women sleeping. God. They're brilliant aren't they?

See, this is the thing. What are these stupid women moaning about? What's wrong with being a sexy thing? If men want their opinion, they'll ask for it. Going on with themselves all the stupid time. With their bums. And their boobies. And the way they wiggle when they walk. And the boobs. The bums. Nnnnnf. Women are really very tremendous to look at, when they're not moaning about rights and whatever it is they talk about.

And another thing, David Cameron (*wiggles little finger to denote tiny penis*) is going to back government support for new laws to criminalise stalking, because presumably, it was completely legal before.

Former attorney general Baroness Scotland, who worked on the convention for four years under the Labour government, with come-to-bed eyes and a little bit of bra showing, giggled that the clause on sexual harassment was not intended to cover less serious incidents such as wolf-whistling and such. However, some women who adorably call themselves 'campaigners' (bless) said the convention was "what we've been trying to get for years".

Julia Gray (quite fit), founder of the London branch of US movement Hollaback (how sweet), dedicated to getting rid of street harassment, said:

"The way we see it is if you want to tackle it you tackle all of it – you say no to all forms of unwanted sexual harassment; that includes wolf-whistling, comments, everything."

And reading our article back, it is clear that there is a huge problem. We've had it all wrong. Look at the way we've objectified women. Look at the way we've talked about them as sexual objects, making crass-comments about them on the way.

You wouldn't get women doing that about, say, Ryan Gosling or Brad Pitt or Robert Pattinson or Michael Fassbender or Johnny Depp or Joseph Gordon Levitt or David Beckham or Harry Styles. You wouldn't get women enjoying men parading around in their underwear, making inappropriate sexual comments about them and saying exactly what they'd do to them whether they liked it or not.

You wouldn't get women reducing men to something as vile as 'torso of the month'. You wouldn't get women talking about men's worth based solely on their reproductive organs. No. This has gone too far. This has to stop. Imagining that alternate universe where women can be just as crass and sexist as men has given us a cold chill.

Straight men. We need to get our stupid heads together and find a way of ending this rot. Gay men are alright though. They're expected to be shallow, sexist and sexually suggestive. Right?