Britney Spears Might Be The New Nicole Scherzinger

It's not very often that the inhabitants of the hecklerspray bedsit have cause to say something nice about Britney Spears.

If she isn't going mental with an umbrella and a pair of hair clippers then she's screeching around Los Angeles with babies hanging under each arm like some kind of irresponsible sloth. And all that doesn't even broach the Sam Lufti issue.

So it's with some, we're presuming, pride that we can sort of announce that Britney Spears is in talks to become one of the new judges on Simon Cowell's pet project, X Factor USA. We say we're presuming because like Miss Spears, we too were emotionally stunted by the lack of parental affection.

It's also why some of us has strong emotional ties to Ed The Duck. Don't worry though, it doesn't verge on fowl play. Sorry.

How do we know this information? Well certainly not from phone hacking, that's for sure. What a despicable practice that we certainly wouldn't use to find out what sort of kebab Alexandra Burke has ordered. Not us. At all. Not again, anyway.

We can't speak for anyone else though. There's some very shady characters in the World, people that Spears would have come into contact herself especially during her time in the Pop Wilderness. We've all moved on and become better people, with new husbands and sell out pop-miming tours.

Instead of hacking phones, steaming open letters or bribing security, we can rely on the one thing that stays a constant in this mad, ever changing word of ours. Louis Walsh not being able to keep his trap shut about things that could be deemed as secret.

Speaking to Craig Doyle Live which we're helpfully informed is a "chat show" and is apparently big news in Ireland, he had these words to say before popping off to create a new boy band out of Cravendale and slabs of sentient cheese:

"I was out with Simon Cowell during the week, he's in London. You know like you do and I know he is talking to Britney to do his American show. Absolutely true."

So there you have it. Straight from the irritating pop pipsqueak. Britney Spears is in talks to appear on X Factor USA. Which is what we've said in the title but doesn't harm getting repeated.

So what does it actually mean? Well… not very much in the grand scheme of things. There's going to be an absolute cavalcade of rumours and hearsay hitting our ears before the confirmed lineup is revealed. One half of Milli Vanilli could be the extra impetus that Cowell needs to finally give up on cracking America. Or Mari Wilson but that would really be just what we've always wanted.

Having Spears thrust back into such a strong spotlight might send her back on a wild night of carnage, and although we wouldn't like to admit it, would be very entertaining to watch. We bet she's been working out and could really use an umbrella like it truly shouldn't be.

Like Lion-O's sword. Oh yes. EYE OF THUNDERA, GIVE BRITNEY SIGHT BEYOND SIGHT!