Soap Spoilers! Everyone Dies. Hopefully

OH JOY! It's time for some Soap Spoilers as we know you lot would freak out if we didn't do this week after week.  We love writing these however and none of us secretly wonder what our lives would have been like had we gone to university or taken Hugh Hefner up on that offer of marriage last year.

Nope. We're good.

Ready to find out stuff about fake people? Excellent.

First we're off to Eastenders where Derek is still being a prize prick to anyone who looks in his direction.  He decides to try and ruin Roxy's life this week by hatching a mischievous plan which involves a photo of Roxy and never taking that flat cap off his head. EVER. It turns out he's hired a hit on her and she goes missing on Thursday. Good.

Alfie grows tired of his dodgy arrangement with Derek and wants to double cross him because ideas like that always end well don't they? We expect to hear about Alfie's death in the next couple of weeks.

Meanwhile Fatboy is still pouting over Whitney and cancels his DJ set in the club, probably because it's the most unconvincing excuse for a nightclub we've ever seen  but in true Eastenders style, everyone decides to rally round him and he quickly changes his mind because he's also the most unconvincing DJ of all time.

Finally elderly Rose is writing to a convicted murderer and Abi confides in Tanya, telling her that she still isn't ready for sex and that Jay is fine with that. Course he is. Idiot. Max is also fine with having lots of imaginary sex with Tanya.  Oh, except for the part where he loses his rag and tells her he isn't.

Up next is Coronation Street where everyone is terrible at looking after that baby called Joseph. First Katy decides she's had enough and tries to leave him alone and then Faye looks after him and locks herself out of the house while some toast burns under a grill.  Owen then outrageously declares that Katy isn't mature enough to look after Joseph and she does the grown up thing of running away. We're sure people are looking for her but quite frankly we lost interest. Let us know what happens.

Carla is still a right mess and Ken outlines Brian's concerns to Peter who then rushes off to speak to Simon.  Simon then lies and Peter is as confused as we are in this whole sorry mess. Steve notices how much Tracy hates Beth but as Tracy hates everyone we don't understand why this is news.

Finally we run crying towards Neighbours where Rhys distracts Erin with romance in order to make her life A LIVING HELL. Or make her late for class. Both are equally vile.  Aidan gets his car serviced at the garage and Chris decides he quite fancies him. But sadly a car falls on Chris and he dies. Again.

Andrew urges Sophie and Corey to ignore Paul's warning and continue to see each other but Summer thinks Andrew has other motives. She also dies.

We all done then? Brilliant. Here's a video of ex Eastender Ross Kemp, looking like an idiot.